Between The Lies (Control vs Concern)
When we first start out dating someone, we tend to wear rose colored glasses. This Is usually the reason that our friends tend to give us unwanted opinions and advice. Opinions and advice that we end up half considering, and then blocking out.
Most of us then blame ourselves for ignoring red flags throughout the relationship; but are we to blame? Or is it the result of a narcissistic, abusive relationship? One where we where being gaslighted through the days, weeks, months...years!?
Many woman are not aware of the signs of being in a domestically abusive relationship. Why? Well I am here to share that with you.
There are tell tale signs of it being physical, which we are all aware of, but what about the the silent threats? Silent threats are the ones that are said when you two are on the couch, cuddling and watching Netflix, or out to dinner, and something is said in the lightest, cutest way possible. These could be considered as “caring too much."
Things are said like "If you wear that you will be too cold, its a little short."
Or "Your door may be really easy for someone to card, you should look into better locks."
Okay, so I sound a little paranoid (that is a label that was placed ever so roughly, and bolted to my bones, after an almost 7 year relationship) and this sounds like a relationship you're probably familiar with right?
Well, "YOU" wasn't so cute after his representative was put on the back burner and Joe came out to play. Things like that being said can honestly be considered very sweet and sometimes are just said out of concern. But when it is continuous ask yourself this: ”Why is this person saying this?” I can tell you: it is because it is how their mind works.
The 1st step is CONTROL & CONCERN: Reverse psychology is the biggest way for a narcissist to control you. What you wear, what you eat, your weight - are they still interested in you the same way as before?
Some examples of things that are said could be:
"I don’t like lingerie.” But then they do a doubletake and say damn at the next woman on tv half naked. This is setting up a mental devaluation of self subconsciously.
But you're a strong confident woman and that will not happen? Years of this, even just months, starts to strip away your self worth.
Cardi B said it best "You got me looking in mirror thinking I‘m flawed because you inconsistent."
It’s not just the constant "light hearted" jokes. Do you ever tell your insecurities to this partner? Things like "My nose is too big I don't like it." or "My butt is too fat on the bottom and not enough bubble on the top." And now when you are both taking digs at one another, your insecurity is the target!
What is this doing for your self-esteem? It slowly starts to deteriorate it, makes you question your self worth, and makes you the perfect target for their control.
The trained individuals at the https://www.thehotline.org/ informed me of a few things.
Number one is that these essential predators start to mold themselves to what each partner "needs." They not only present their representative, they also bend the truth to their own. Such as in ways that make their ex look crazy, and make them look like they escaped in once piece.
They need someone to feel sorry for them, this causes them to appear to be vulnerable, to be "broken.” And let’s be honest, how many people love to say, even if not aloud, that we are the reason the other person trusts again. That somehow we "fixed" them. We mended their broken heart. It is an ego boost, but it is because we believe in LOVE and HEALING. We are being played.
So how do we identify these signs before it is too late? Before we find ourselves trying to heal from the trauma of being brainwashed into insecurity, hyper vigilance and distrust not only with other intimate partners but all relationships within our lives especially within ourselves?
Stay tuned for the answer...