I have lived more than my age, even more than you count it with days, hours, minutes & seconds. I have lived in the negligence of my existence, those finest things which you never wanted to notice were the most precious ones for me. I have been so unnoticed that even if my eyes get watered, & I don't moan in crying ,my father can't turn his head from the headlines of the news to see me crying just sitting on his opposite. I have lived in these moments keeping my hopes alive. You complain a lot about your parents as they don't value you, they don't fulfill your wishes or the favourite things which you never got. But you know, I have been taught to complain little since my childhood, to understand the possibilities, to sense the gravity of situation & they have turned me into a less persuasive person gradually. I won't say I never complained, indeed I have but I have also learnt to 'let go' & most of the unfulfilled desires died in this exact point. I have learnt to stay hushed alone, I don't make issues exaggerated any more because it feels so filthy that I will somehow lose my self- respect in a nasty brawl, but they complain now, my parents ask why I am so silent, why I am not opening the doors of the closed feelings, & even ask if they are worth to tell. I say "It's okay" by hanging a tiny smile or just with a regular face because I measure my actions a lot today. At any cost, I don't want to wrap myself in a tragic problem caused by my disordered words.
Most of us show anger for they are scolded for any misdeed or for a small argument with their parents. But now, I don't have that right left for I'll be called an adamant. I feel doing such will be a blunder that can't be repaired or I will be proved as a culprit in my eyes & I will never be forgiven. Going through a critical situation doesn't only feel by the wound of your soul or the pain of your heart or the incessant rain of your eyes, it also carries such distance that can be felt through the heart not by the measurement of inches & meters, carries a long lived cautiousness that's felt only when you attempt a mistake or such uncomfortability which shouldn't be there in the bond of a parent-child relationship. I want to shout and say "Yes, I need some observations & love" & the next it becomes the most impossible thing to do.
In the small alleys of these intense reactions, I have lived somewhat twice or thrice, I have smelt various odours of dissatisfaction & chose to be the reserved one who makes you feel bored or have a 'nerd' vibes. But if you love the silence, the most peaceful silence; I can be the best one to make a pair with you , & share a pacific company in those blissful stillness each & every moment.
~©storytellersuchismita