More often I feel an urge to cry, to cry without any reason or perhaps the reason stays behind the curtain of mind ,unnoticed. People who know me well, fortunately only a few does & I absolutely don't regret about it , ask me the reason behind it. Maybe, at the time I am crying restlessly, my anxiety is getting on my nerves & desperate intentions provoking me to do something to hurt myself, I truly never ever make myself to find the exact reason & that's why I revert back to them with an empty hand. They think I am not telling them & simply think themselves vagabonds. However, this is simply unreasonable as I, myself become a 'trash' at that exact moment. A lot of things occur, but they stay unobserved by me. This so called reasonless sobs force me not to rush anything & keep it mostly in slow motion & everyone, gheraoes me wants a rapid answer ! I feel I am devastated & won't be able to recover myself again, I am foolish who got gratifyingly fooled by others & day by day being an object of ultimate laughter. These feelings might have been originated from my lengthy phase of depression but the worst thing they have with them is the happiness of my fragile courage. I thought I was slowly overcoming these evil spirits & curing my soul from them & they change the whole game in some minutes. Who loves to be hurt again & again by his/her own killing thoughts, who loves to be underestimated by ownself, & who freaking loves to be agitated through excessive crying which even doesn't come with a reason, I guess none! My feelings go shut down, my senses go completely numb & I shrug myself with the cover of my own solidity. The ones I am used to laugh with & tell my things carefreely, too feels like being strangers with all my secrets! Slowly but steadily I get a control over my uncontrollable tastelessness of this but till then, the urge of telling my actual state to others fades away, & this shit repeats like a cycle, with me assuming myself a 'shoddy'!
~©storytellersuchimta